Crucial conversations

Artificial intelligence may be changing the future of work, but crucial conversations will always be a vital human skill.

Crucial conversations are turning points. They show ‘how things are done around here’ and influence how others see us and interact with us. Whether it’s promotion negotiations, getting past a sticking point in a project, or mopping up after something has gone wrong - the ability to have a purposeful discussion will never be replaced by technology.

Effective communication is no respecter of age or status. One of the most disarming communicators I ever met was four years old. The tips below I learned from her and from others whose communication style I respect.

What’s the outcome you want?

Before you have the conversation, be specific with yourself about what positive outcome you’d like to see as a result. Keep it tight, so it sticks in your mind when you have the discussion.

Know your triggers

We all have buttons that can get pushed. One if mine is being 'talked over' in meetings or conversations. Getting triggered feels different for everyone but common signs are a tight-feeling tummy, shallow breathing, increased heart rate, feeling irritation or anger, and racing thoughts. Learning to quietly observe these symptoms in the middle of a crucial conversation, without reacting to them, is really important.

Breathe

And I don’t mean like a raging bull. Slow, rhythmic breathing lets our brain access its rational part. You can do this before or during a meeting, sitting at your desk, walking around the block – anywhere. Sometimes it’s all there is to be done. When you’re breathing rhythmically you’re not talking – and sometimes, saying nothing is the most powerful and disarming thing you can do.

Read the room

When we inadvertently push someone else's buttons, it’s important to notice it and change tack. In cultures where it’s not acceptable to show feelings, people signal irritation in other ways. The colour in their face may change, they may shift in their seat or rub their head, they may say something sarcastic to avoid being direct, or shut down the conversation. It’s good to have a plan for what to do if this happens. Agreeing to come back to the conversation at another time can take the heat out of it.

Don’t over-think

When we expect a conversation to be difficult, it’s tempting to over-think how it will go when in fact there’s no way of predicting that. It can be useful, though, to think what we will do if some predictable things happen. For example: “If she raises her voice like last time, I’ll ask her to stop otherwise we will have to meet later when she has calmed down.”

Manage your sphere of influence

You can only control your part of the conversation – how you speak and how your respond. If you dwell on how the other person may or does react, it’s easy to forget what you want to get out of the conversation. That’s when it’s important to focus on what outcome you want, and to do what you need to do to create that. That includes saying things that may not be popular or go down well.

Put things right

Conversations go wrong all the time. It’s important to own your part of that. ‘Sorry’ is not always needed or appropriate – but if you did or said things that you regret, most people will appreciate it if you quietly, calmly and briefly acknowledge that as soon as possible.

Julia Anderson is an experienced communications and engagement practitioner with a strong track record in the public sector in New Zealand and overseas.